The Surgeon General has determined that smoking approximately 100 cigarettes at a time might have deleterious effects on your health. The Surgeon General could not make any specific comments on smoking lower numbers - such as 50 or 60. But, the Surgeon General was certain, absolutely certain, that smoking 100 at a time would be a bad idea, in general.Cigarette manufacturers lauded the decision. "We fully support the Surgeon General's conclusions about smoking 100 cigarettes at a time. While the scientific studies are not necessarily conclusive that users will necessarily have any negative side effects, we nevertheless agree that it might be prudent to avoid the possibility. At this time, we have no opinion on lower numbers, and decline to make any comments in that regard."
Tar E. Lungs, a frequent smoker, was surprised, and a bit concerned, by the decision. He reported that he chooses to smoke 100 cigarettes frequently, finding that the massive injection of nicotine into his blood stream gives him a good, rewarding feeling. "It really kick starts my day," said Tar, in a gravelly, raspy voice. "I really don't know what to make of the Surgeon General's comments," he muttered to himself, while casually flipping a penny around with his yellow fingernails. "I really get sick of all this government regulation, and wish they would just get off my back. If I want to smoke 100 cigarettes at a time, I should be free to do so. The Surgeon General is not a Surgeon anyway. And he's certainly not a General. So where does he get off?"
Other addicted smokers made similar comments. "Where will this lead us? Someday, the Surgeon General will find that smoking 50 cigarettes at one time is bad for your health. I need my smokes, man! They can't take that away from me. I gots rights!" said Flem A. Lot, as he pulled out his oxygen inhaler for a quick pull.
Certain pro-smoking legal scholars were befuddled by Flem's comments, as they had not previously found support in the Constitution, or other laws, for his claim to have a "right" to smoke 100, or even 50, cigarettes at a time. Yet they were highly persuaded by his comment about the fact that he "gots rights." It was hard to dispute such commentary. These scholars committed themselves to fully researching the issue, with the hope of finding such rights in the emanations and penumbras of various Amendments contained in the Constitution.
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6 comments:
Hilarious! Written in true "onion" style.
I just want you to know that the picture alone has given me nightmares.
I will say you have given me a new relationship with dictionary.com -- reading your materials (work or blog) always reveals new words that I have never had the pleasure of knowing. I like meeting new words.
"Penumbras" and "emanations" were studied in law school ... those words were used in some of the early "right to privacy" cases.
One case said "that specific guarantees in the Bill of Rights have penumbras, formed by emanations from those guarantees that help give them life and substance." (Griswold v. Connecticut)
So that's where I learned those words. The "penumbral"/"emanations" concept was much maligned because it was judge-created. Who gets to decide what types of rights are "penumbral" in nature?
Yes, sometimes I think your puns are penumbral in nature...and WHO gets to decide that?? :)
But seriously, you are like a walking lexicon of all the dusty areas of the English language. I'm not sure my brain could contain, let alone, comprehend, such nuggets.
Oh you can comprehend them.
Moreover, I use words like "moreover." And how could that be enjoyable?
And, finally, I don't use fun and interesting words very often, such as "ischial tuberosity" or "chicken satay" or "rugelach" or "zumba!"
Blink, Blink...
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