The Not So Freindly Skies!

Flying the Not so Friendly Skies…

Preface: You will have to forgive me for any forgotten facts or slight exaggerations because it has been about a month since this event occurred, and I’m trying to re-experience some suppressed memories. Some weights, descriptions, and measurements might be slightly off.

In my recent trip to Washington and back, I had some unexpected flight arrangements that made the trip that much more interesting. My flight out of Tulsa to Washington was supposed to fly out about 4:50 pm, on Friday the 25th of July. At about 2:45 p.m on the 25th, I received an automated phone message telling me my flight was cancelled. I was re-booked for the following morning at 6 AM … this meant I had to cash in a friend favor and ask someone to get up around 3 AM on a Saturday to take me to the airport! (Thanks Friend)

I always pick aisle seats and, when I have the option, Emergency Exits, but when your flight gets cancelled, they just seat you where ever. In this case, I was in a non-emergency window seat on the flight to Chicago, and then I changed planes and caught the flight to Seattle. Again, a non-emergency window seat!

I got settled in. There was a lady in the aisle seat, and the middle seat was still open a few minutes before take off … (Not a good sign). Then I looked up and time stood still. See, I’m a bigger fellow myself; probably one of the 3 biggest guys on the plane, but walking down the aisle was numero uno! He was walking down the aisle in the standard 45 degree side straddle slide, hunching below exit signs every few paces, (A technique mastered by all men over 6’2” tall). Then our eyes met and I, at once, realized he was the one I’d been waiting for …The man that would share my personal space for the next few hours. We both shook our heads and murmurred inaudible sounds to show our gratitude for being put in such amazing circumstances, no doubt prayers for patience and thanksgiving.

In order to properly appreciate the situation, one has to know what airplanes seats look and feel (fit) like from the perspective of someone that is 6’4”. When your seat is in the upright and ready for take off position, the distance between it and the seat in front of it is about 3” shorter than your femur. If the person leans their chair back (as they always do), your clearance becomes even less, and you get to look forward to reading the printed instructions off the barf bag etched into your kneecaps and written backwards during the layover and the next airport. There is an adjustable arm that comes down about the size of a 2 x 4 that is built in for multiple purposes. It controls the tilting of the seat, the volume of the radio -- it’s a protector of man space -- and, because there is so little room, it most effectively keeps you from spreading your legs in an attempt to allow blood to again flow to your lower extremities. In the window seat, the curvature of the plane is designed to ergonomically violate shoulder and headroom, so that by the time the flight is over and for the rest of your vacation, you will be able to look over your left shoulder, but your neck won’t turn to the right. Mr. Gibraltar takes his place in the seat next to me and thus begins the search for my happy place. 75% of my personal space is now being defiled. The 2 x 4 armrest is all that is separating me from spooning with this stranger. My restricted air space above and below the armrest has been breached and there are no fallback positions to regroup. The next 4 hours are spent in a somber state listening to the melody of heart murmurs and discovering the sounds made by a digesting quarter pounder with cheese. Oh the memories … how bad of a boy I must have been for this state of penitence.

There are some benefits of being bonded to a complete stranger for that amount of time. Even though half your body’s blood flow has been cut off, you don’t get cold. (Thank you reciprocating body heat!) Long trips in dry stagnate air can often lead to chapped lips, but you need not worry when in a symbiotic relationship such as this, because, from personal experience, deodorant will prevent this from happening. Finally, there is comfort in knowing that, if the plane does happen to crash, your time in this condition is that much shorter.

What have I learned from my stints across the country on airlines? Three things: prop-jets aren’t that bad, anorexia can be my friend, and there are justifiable cases where euthanasia is an act of mercy. While prop-jets have less room than typical jets, most of them are relics of the First World War, and every time you hit a bump you expect a flight attendant to bust out some duct tape to resolve an in flight issue…they however will say those magic little words that make my heart flutter. “Gentlemen we need to separate you to redistribute the weight.” (Which translates to: I don’t have to sit next to a Big Guy)!

And can you think of anything sexier than a knee-knocking, walking skeleton ... someone who is a tic-tac away from a full stomach ... taking the seat next to you on a flight? I Can’t! Who knows, they may even offer you their peanuts.

And the next time you fly, and get up to go to the restroom, and you see two big guys barely breathing and their eyes glazed over … if they happen to look at you and smile … it is probably because they are delusional and think you are a terrorist bringing a timely stop to this injustice.

And so went the first part of my trip…

JPH

Obesity Redux

Harkening back to a previous post regarding fatty foods, I thought I should provide you an update regarding obesity in Oklahoma.

According to an article in today's Tulsa World, Oklahoma ranks 8th out of 50 states on an obesity thermometer. Unbelievably, Oklahoma has a 28.1% obesity rate.

The article indicated that Oklahoma was ranked 6th for type 2 diabetes -- a disease typically associated with obesity -- and eighth for hypertension. Not surprisingly, it ranked No. 5 for the highest rates of physical inactivity.

According to the study, individuals are considered obese if their body mass index (B.M.I.) — calculated by weight and height ratios — is 30 or higher. Here is the chart included in the Tulsa World article:

Asparagus and Mercaptan

"What is that smell???" That's the question you ask yourself sometimes after relieving yourself following ingestion of a large meal involving asparagus.

It is a real issue. And a real problem for our time.

It's not a real problem necessarily and I am not quite sure that it's a real issue. And, strangely, I'm not sure of the origin of my fascination with this vegetable's effect on my circulatory and excretory system.

According to wikipedia, the all-knowing source, asparagus is a herbaceous perennial plant growing 100-150 cm tall, which grows stout, much-branched feathery foliage. Under ideal conditions, an asparagus spear can grow 10" in 24 hours. If allowed to grow, the plant apparently produces a "fruit" in the form of a small red berry. Asparagus is apparently eaten with eggs in China and with beef in the UK. In the U.S., it's often happily eaten with ribs and twice-baked potatoes.

Asparagus is low in calories, contains no fat or cholesterol and is very low in sodium. It is a good source of folic acid, potassium, and dietary fiber. "White" asparagus is grown by denying the plants light and increasing the amount of ultraviolet light the plants are exposed to. "Purple" asparagus has high sugar and low fiber content. (As far as I know, I have never had white or purple asparagus. Perhaps someday. Hope springs eternal.)

But, perhaps the most interesting phenomenon is the effect of aspargus on certain peep's urine. Asparagus apparently contains a sulfur compound called "mercaptan." This chemical is also contained in rotten eggs, onions, garlic and in skunk secretions. When your digestive track breaks down the mercaptan, it gives rise to this funny scented substance. The process can occur within 15-30 mintues of eating asparagus!

Such odors are not the fate of all. Your genetic makeup may determine whether you are able to break down the chemical. Some people have the gene for the enzyme that breaks down mercaptan into its more pungent parts, and others do not.

So, I consider myself lucky. I have the gene. And it's a strong gene.

The Chicken: Carrying You Down the Darkest Alleys of the World to Safety

While we're on the topic of eggs, we might as well discuss the Chicken -- that most populous of birds in the United States. Ever since they were created, and ever since God looked at them and found them to be "good," chickens have been reproducing like ... ... like chickens. In 2003, there were 24 billion chickens in the world! That's a lot of chickens.

Male chickens are are known as roosters (U.S.) or cocks (U.K). Males under a year old are known as cockerels. Castrated (ouch) roosters are known as capons. Females are known as hens or pullets.

In nature, chickens may live for five to seven years. However, in commercial farming operations, a chicken usually only lasts six weeks before they're slaughtered and sent to our kitchens for consumption.

Mm. Tastes like chicken.

Matilda

The oldest chicken was affectionately named "Matilda." She died of heart failure at the age of 16. Determined to avoid being the "cluck" in the "cluck-n-oink," Matilda diligently worked as a magician's assistant in the 1990s. She was known for being even-tempered, attention-seeking, and egg-less.

Apparently, the laying of eggs makes most chickens "moody."

It is reported that, in the magician's show, Matilda appeared in a pan which seconds earlier appeared to contain little more than runny egg yolk. Such an early death for such a great chicken!

Interwoven

Is there any debate that chickens are woven into the very fabric of our lives? We voraciously eat chicken eggs -- fried, boiled, poached, scrambled, raw. We eat chicken meat. Other meats of unknown-origin "taste like chicken." We watch movies with chickens as the main character. We affectionately refer to people who are not "up to the task" as "chickens."

I could go on and on.

Is it any wonder, then, that some people believe that the chicken simply must be followed. Perhaps the eagle will get you killed, but the chicken will carry you down the darkest alleys of the world safely. The chicken will take you there and sleep you in the hotels of kings and the palaces of kings and queens. For more information on these and other facts about the Chicken, please review this deposition transcript that has made its way around the internet.

We can learn a lot from the chicken.

Eggstatic over the Egg. Eggcited too.

When God created the Egg, He created a masterpiece. Those oval, orb-like structures are amazing things and, when cooked just right, are highly tasty. The shell of the Egg hermetically seals a sea of gooey goodness, chock full of vitamins and minerals (maybe not minerals).

The Egg has tons of redeeming value. Here are a few highlights regarding the Egg, including a few entries to dispel certain myths that exist regarding the Egg.

Basic Facts

The basic egg consists of the eggshell, the egg white (albumen), the yolk (vitellus), and various thin membranes. Myth: the eggshell is not edible. Fact: the egg shell is edible, but is usually discarded. Seems like it would be really crunchy, and would scar up your mouth and stomach lining. The large end of the egg contains the air cell that forms when the contents of the egg cool down after the egg is laid. Chicken eggs are graded according to the size of this air cell.

Brown v. White

In general, chicken breeds with white ear lobes lay white eggs. Chicken breeds with red ear lobes lay brown eggs. There is no significant link between shell color and nutritional value. In the U.S., most eggs are white. In the U.K., most eggs are light brown.

Double Yolks

I received a double yoked egg on the day of the election between Gore and Bush. I'm not sure what that means. But, it appears that a double yolk results from unsynchronized production cycles in hens. Double yolked eggs are normally longer and thinner than ordinary eggs.

Cholesterol and fat

A 100 gram egg contains approximately 10 grams of fat. The majority of the fat comes from the egg yolk. The egg white, on the other hand, consists primarily of water and protein. The egg white contains no cholesterol. Wikipedia says that the protein in raw eggs is only 51% "bio-available," whereas that of a cooked egg is nearer 91% "bio-available." From my lay understanding, this means that cooked eggs are better than raw eggs from an "absorption" standpoint. (Why does the stereotypical athlete swallow raw eggs?)

Spinning the Egg

According to wikipedia, you can distinguish between a raw egg and a boiled egg by spinning it. The contents of a hard-boiled egg are solid, allowing it to spin freely, whereas the liquid contents of a raw egg cause it to stop spinning within approximately three rotations. Try it! I dare you. (These various attributes are caused by denaturation of the protein and viscous dissipation, but I won't bore you with the details.)

The Equinox: Standing an Egg on its End

There is a long-running myth that you can stand an egg on its end on the equinox. Apparently, you can stand an egg on its end anytime of the year. It just takes lots of tender loving care.

The Cybertecture Egg

I ran across this proposed architectural structure for Mumbai, India. It is the Cybertecture Egg. It's supposed to be the central piece of a developing business district. The website indicates that the design "is one that symbolizes with optimism about the future and of the 21st Century." It will apparently house several floors of premium office space.

They're just not quite sure where to put the yolk.

Cloud Gate a/k/a "The Bean"

So, I traveled north to the city of Chicago this year. I had some free time so I decided to walk around the downtown area. Without warning, I landed in Millenium Park -- an urban park, plopped right down in the middle of downtown Chicago. It was a pretty cool place, actually, with a full open air theater, a garden area, and several interesting things to look at. Including one large, shiny bean.

It actually wasn't a bean. It's called "Cloud Gate," and it was designed by a British artist named Anish Kappor. This large, shiny bean is 33 feet by 66 feet by 42 feet tall, and weighs 110 "short" tons. Research reveals that it was "inspired" by liquid mercury and is "one of the most popular sculptures in the United States." If you stand on one side, it simply looks like a shiny orb. But, if you move around to the middle, you can see that it has a concave ascending chamber (techincally called an "omphalos"). You can walk under the omphalos and the images seen in the reflection are warped and warbled. (You can sorta see that in the picture on the left).

The sculpture was completed in 2005. The cost for constructing the bean was first estimated to be $6 million. That balloned to $11.5 million in 2005. And the final figure was $23 million. Apparently, no public funds were used.

Like any good, shiny bean, Cloud Gate is wiped down twice a day by hand and is cleaned twice a year with 40 gallons of liquid detergent. The seamlessness of the bean has an apparent artistic purpose, of which I'm not sufficiently scholarly to identify. But, some say that it helps "dematerialize this very large object, making it seem light and almost weightless." Also, the bean might be an attempt to evoke "immateriality and the 'spiritual.'"

I just thought it was purdy to look at.

Bed Bugs Do Bite

Don't let the bed bugs bite? It might be hard to prevent that -- assuming they inhabit your cozy lair in the first place.

I have always believed that bed bugs were not visible to the naked eye. In fact, that's a myth. In truth, the small creatures are reddish brown, flattened, oval and wingless. They are approximately 4 to 5 mm in length. One article compares them to the size of apple seeds. They're gross little creatures, really. They are most active near dawn, with a peak feeding period about an hour before sunrise. What do they feed upon? You. And your blood. They are attracted by the presence of carbon dioxide and pierce the skin of their host with two hollow tubes. After feeding for about five minutes, they return to their hiding place.

In a strange turn of events, bedbugs mate via a process termed "traumatic insemination." Ouch. More details on that process can be found here. It's too traumatic to type out here.

Bed bugs can provide you with a nice raised, red bump on your skin, and those bites can be accompanied by severe itching. Some people even experience insomnia, anxiety or stress at the prospect of bed bugs -- some develop skin infections and scarring from scratching.

Yet, on the bright side, most studies have concluded that bed bugs are unlikely to pass diseases from one person to another. Apparently, the bed bug is making a come back in urban housing across the nation.

Who can stop this blood sucking menace? (Other than DDT.)

This video might give you the heebie jeebies: